No One Writing For Cosmo Is Getting Laid.

I have been buying the Cosmopolitan magazine every month for the past two years. Cosmopolitan would hit the stands of vendors and fill the racks at Hanaford and like clockwork, I would flock to the shelf, seemingly in desperation, and pay the $5 for this trashy magazine. The fact that some women even refer to this glossy paged massacre as their sexual bible leaves me wondering if readers are actually taking the magazine's advice seriously. More than anything, I read the magazine for entertainment. I do not plan on experimenting with the tips or taking its advice. As for the women that do, I advise that their partners get checked for low sperm count and emotional/psychological damage.

-If your last sexual partner seems distant, unsatisfied or mentally askew then you may have experimented with one of the following tips offered up in recent issues of Cosmopolitan magazine:

1) tip #44- Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva. 

2) tip #54- On a cold night, I went to my girlfriends place. She put my penis under her armpit. It got me hot fast.  

3) tip #51- Suck on his toes when your in the reverse cowgirl position. 

4) tip #45- leave your heals on during sex, and run the sharp tips over his thighs. 

5) tip #3- Slip a finger into his ass. And then another finger. 

6) tip #2- Use your bobby pins as miniature nipple clamps. 

7) tip #9- Slip an old sock over his penis while giving him a hand job.  

8) tip #7- text your man something like this to get him revved up: I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later. OR, I'll pole dance 4 you. U bring the pole... 

9) tip #4 Use a turkey baster filled with oil to spell out dirty words on your mans body. 

10) tip #1- On a hot night, lick the salty sweat off of each others bodies. Yum. 

11) tip #11-“My girlfriend showed up at my door in a trashy outfit and introduced herself as my chick’s naughty pretend twin sister, Candy. She pushed me against the wall, we had mad sex, and then she left. The next day, she acted like nothing happened.” —JR, 27

12) tip #62- Right before your man is about to climax, sprinkle pepper underneath his nose to make him sneeze. 

*In no sexual situation should a turkey baster, pepper shaker and old sock be incorporated. If you don't want to end up alone, just don't follow these tips.