Like A Deer In Headlights.

I've always hated the idea of hunting. (and most other things in life)

But then again, I'm opposed to almost anything that involves shooting and gutting a live animal. I first became seriously disgusted by hunting in 2002 during a car ride through a New Jersey interstate. With my face pressed up against the window, I fell deep into a kind of highway hypnosis. Metal and colors appeared and disappeared by the second and put me into a trance. I was startled out of this daze when I caught a glimpse of the car next to me. There was a dead dear strapped to the roof of this car with bungee cords. There was dried blood stuck to the fur on its face. It's limp body jerked and spasmed with every pot hole and lane change. What scarred me the most was it's tongue. It's tongue, drained of color, was hanging out of it's mouth and flapping around in the crazy highway wind. The guys inside the car looked like they just got done screwing their sisters. but that's besides the point.

       I love Big Macs and steaks and grilled chicken sandwiches and Jimmy Dean breakfast sausages, so I am in no place to condemn someone for killing an animal if they intend to eat it. But what I don't understand is why someone would ever hunt for the sport of it. I once assumed that people who hunted for sport were bound to grow up and be full- fledged serial killers. That is until I realized that these people fulfilled almost every negative stereotype ever handed to them (i.e incestuous, racist, uneducated) Knowing that these hunters were too dumb and too busy making moves on their siblings to be serial killers, I had some peace of mind.

Just out of curiosity, I want to know if I’ve got it right. Hunters dress up in camouflage jumps suits and hide in camouflage pop up tents in the middle of a forest probably littered with 'no trespassing' signs. YET THEY MUST TRESPASS AND HAVE THE BLOOD OF THE BEAST ON THEIR MOUTHS AND HANDS AND GONADS. But why spend money on the camoflauge if your going to put on an electric orange hat complete with ear flaps. I never got that part. The hunters sit with loaded rifles and wait for small woodland creatures to cross their paths. The man with the shot gun versus the bunny with no weapons, no thumbs and no warning. Sounds like a totally fair, manly and courageous activity. 

I DONT NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT DEER ARE OVERPOPULATED. People are overpopulated too, but killing one of them is punishable by life in prison. 

One day when things are fair, the deer and the rabbits and the bears will trespass into the woods that we call 'home' and sit camouflaged in hampers and in bedspreads and shoot us as we walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night or when we go to get a snack from the fridge. And instead of cooking us, they'll high five and open a beer and talk about how they did the right thing because people are overpopulated anyways. Later that night they'll turn on the news and shake their heads in disgust at all the stories about murder and animal abuse and unnecessary violence.