Driving Miss Daisy...and then Killing Her.

        With my departure from the Bronx just hours away, I can't help but think about the one major failure that has terrorized my life in Guilderland for close to three years now, the road test. So far, I have taken the road test a whopping five times. I didn't just fail these road tests because of a tapped curb or absent turn signal. I failed them with flying colors and sent the road test administrators screaming for their lives. On the up side, the Devine miracle of them having survived my road test probably renewed their faith in god.

         Yielding is as baffling a concept to me as the Bermuda Triangle. At night, my eyes seem to go into some sort of panic mode/convulsion state and make the road look like something out of a Dr. Suess book. In addition, Parking, turning, signaling, 3 point turns, braking and pedestrians are not things I particularly prioritize while driving. Whether it be the fanciness of the car, the imagery out the window or music from the speakers, the pure lunacy I invite into the drivers seat automatically deglamorizes anything that could've been considered "cool" within the car or about the car itself. I'm almost positive my mothers engine is burned out  from the amount of times I've slammed on the gas with the car still in Park. 

        As much as I'd love to legally drive around Guilderland...and the world, I am going to assume responsibility for myself and for others around me by just ending this charade of endless road tests and doubled up five hour classes. In the end, I'm quite positive I'll murder someone. Chances are I probably already have killed someone and don't even know it because the entire time I'm driving, I'm simultaneously daydreaming about pie or McDonald's. My intentions would never be to kill someone with the extreme weight and force of an automobile. Ill leave that sort of destruction to a class of people more insane and reckless than myself. 

Just a quick journey through my road tests:

1) Location-Schenectady. 

Administer- Mustache guy.

Points off: 65

Reason for failure- Hit curb during parallel park and then threw up my hands in frustration, thus allowing the car go out of control. Rolling through two stop signs. Unnecessary braking. 

2) Location-Schenectady

Administer: "big black guy" ('I'm not racist, everyone refers to him as this)

Points off: 50

Reason for failure- In his words, I almost caused a "four car pile up" and told a blind woman with a walking stick she was able to cross in the middle of an extremely busy intersection. 

3) Location-Schenectady

Administer- Possibly Jenine

Points off: 70

Reason for failure- parallel parked twice as if I were both a blind and armless deranged vietnam war veteran. Also, driving on the wrong side of the road.

4) Location- Scoharie 

Administer- Mustache man again

Points off: 70

Reason for failure- Driving up on a sidewalk, going 30 miles over the speed limit and extreme confusion when encountering a blinking yellow light.

5) Location-Back to Schenectady

Administer- Mustache lady

Points off: 108. Is this even possible? 

Reason for failure- Inability to yield to oncoming traffic, not observant, ran a stop sign causing her to unbuckle herself, scream, basically jump onto my lap and hold the wheel stationary as a line of cars whizzed around us. Also, more unnecessary braking.