My Personal Ad Reads Like This:

I've had a boyfriend for about five years now. I'm not entirely sure how this has been working out. Being my boyfriend should be incorporated into Navy Seal training as a way to test mental strength. It's not that I'm a cheater or insist on using a strap on or anything. It's the little things. Little things that stick together until they form big things, like mountains.
      Everybody has that invisible scale or teeter totter in their minds that they use to weigh out the positive and negative sides of something/someone/oneself. I think my teeter totter looks a bit like Chris Farley on the negative end and a small woodland creature trying to balance on the positive end. I don't label this as self-depreciating humor. It's just plain and honest facts.
Reasons I am an unideal girlfriend. 
1) My appetite. I believe in eating every meal as if it's my last. I use my hands as small shovels to carry mass amounts of food into my mouth. The food is pasta, bread or cheese 97% of the time. Even some the overweight but lovable ex-cons that work in Locke's cafeteria at Manhattan College have told me to, "take it easy on the food."  
2) I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I don't believe in washing my hands if I pee and ESPECIALLY if the only way of drying my hands is with one of those air blowers. The ones in the movie theater at Crossgates mall make yours hands look like their traveling through space at light speed. If you don't get bodily fluids on your hands, what's the point of washing them? 
p.s: I also don't squat  in public restrooms. This is not because I don't believe in it. I actually do believe in squatting. Unfortunately, I physically cannot do it. My legs just don't have the strength to allow my body to hover 2 inches away from the soiled toilet seat beneath me. 
3) I never answer my phone. It's not because I think I'm superior or that my time is more valuable than anyone else's. I just don't really prioritize texting. If you send me a funny text, ill laugh. If you send me a shocking text, ill gasp. I just think, "ill text 'em later." 

(I don't quite play like this, but this is the only picture I could find of a girl "playing" Guitar Hero.)

4) I'm obsessed with guitar hero. It's not even in a cool way, like that girl who can "chill out" with the "boyz" and play video games and drink a beer and not look like a raging lesbian. I would sit in my dark basement for hours upon hours playing, beating and then perfecting each song. When my mom would call me upstairs for dinner, I would grunt at her in frustration. That's when I knew I had to stop. I had been clean for a year until my recent relapse 5 days ago. 
5) I sneak books into the Barnes and Nobles bathroom when I have to
 p**p. And I ALWAYS have to p**p in Barnes and Nobles. Doesn't everyone? Is it the smell of books? Or the smooth jazz? Or all of those bran muffins? 
6) Not that I have actually followed through with this, but I really think that a bush is a good look for a woman. I'll try it out if I ever go to Europe. 
7) I enjoy watching my significant other sleep....and he has caught me on what he considers to be "numerous occasions." But compared to how much I've gotten away with doing it, I wouldn't exactly call the amount of times he's caught me, "numerous." 
8) I must have the t.v on every night before I fall asleep. The   brightness on the t.v is dimmed, the volume is at 3 and the station is tuned to channel 63 where I will watch episode after episode of Roseanne. Once asleep, I will snore like a mountain lion, steal your blankets, drool on your face and mumble nonsense.
9) I put ketchup and mayonnaise on my pasta and insist that you try it. 
10) I keep rage bottled up for weeks until I release it and possibly kick someone in the nuts. 
Now that I think about it, these may also be reasons not to be my friend.