$168 pee

My first court date is fast approaching. I wish I could tell you I was going to court for something cool. For something like witnessing two women kill each other over a sweater at Saks 5th avenue. Or maybe saving a box of burning kittens from a kitten hater and having to testify against him. Standing in front of a judge and addressing these hypothetical situations would be about 100X more rewarding than what I'll be addressing on May 4th; Pleading guilty on the charges of public urination and being disgusting. 

I have a very small bladder and pee about every 30 minutes. This has earned me the nickname, "Old man bladder." SO, you can understand the problem I encountered when I was forced to ride the subway for an hour from 242nd street-28th street. There were two transfers in-between and I was determined to follow my friends' advice and, "hold it in." But my bladder didn't care about my friends and it said, "fuck your friends, I have to release." As we got off at 168th street to transfer, I snuck away to a dark corner and squatted a behind a pole. I began to pee and it felt so amazing that I still don't completely regret it. I heard singing and tasted cake and saw god and it was the best 30 seconds of the night...that is until I looked down and realized I was standing heel-deep in a healthy pile of someone else's feces and dirty toilet paper. I got myself together and sprinted up towards my friends where I was rudely blocked by two large Mexican men in hoodies. One of them held something up and I stupidly assumed they were returning something to me that I had dropped. I grabbed the object from their hand and ran away. They started screaming at me I looked down to find that the object was a shiny gold NYPD badge from an undercover cop. I was told to sit down while one of them inspected my moist crime scene and the other wrote me a ticket for $168. I'm sure there were more dangerous crimes to be dealt with that night, (rape/murder/arson) but I accepted my fate.

I would plead not guilty, but I'm not a very good liar and would probably get so nervous that I'd pee right there in court and get another public urination ticket. I guess the silver lining is that the NYPD thinks my pee is valued at almost $200. Like a dog, I left my mark on the 168th street subway station. However, that pee is long gone now, evaporated up into the eery mist that overlies the terminal and into the clouds. So next time rain falls from the clouds, I hope you think of me and remember to "hold it."