I Wasn't Done Yet...

America has invented a lot of things varying is degree of uselessness and destructiveness. Among these inventions, are the atomic bomb, Sketchers Shape-ups, and green ketchup. However, these products pale when compared to the most embarrassing and inconvenient invention of all time: The automatically flushing toilet.                                              

                                               To understand just how annoying this is, I'll set the scene. 

You go against everything your mother ever told you and decide to shit in a public restroom. Since you didn't lay down a make-shift toilet seat cover or strategically choose the most secluded bathroom stall, it must have been an emergency. Your sitting on the toilet and while trying to get comfortable, you move about an inch to your left. That was the biggest mistake of your life. You activated the toilet sensor. Suddenly, the toilet gargles and shouts and flushes with the intensity of a summer island storm. The water splashes up against your ass and all you can think about is the thousands of other people who have also peed and shit in that same water that is now in and around your private areas. Then, you remember the pre-shit pee you had released only moments before this rude ambush took place right beneath you. Shocked and appalled, you feel too violated to finish what you sought out to do and you leave the bathroom in a fuss, feeling slightly dampened.

But what's most disturbing, is the reason why automatically flushing toilets were created. The only plausible reason I can conjure up, is that because so many people were leaving their soggy and decaying bodily waste drowning in the water of public restrooms, bathroom users could no longer be trusted to manually flush their own fecal matter. The existence of the automatically flushing toilet is a clear example of the bad apple that ruined life for the rest of the good apples. Unfortunately, I've been a bad apple myself in this situation. Without reason, I have peed in a public restroom and have not flushed it. To all you good apples who get splashed and then get angry, I'm sorry.