World Ruiners (people who ruin the world)

Some people think that the world is ending in 2012. I find these people to be highly optimistic. Based on the current state of the world, I'd say we have a shaky six months left. These are the groups of people I hold responsible for the end of the world.   

The Westboro Baptist Church/overly religious folks/people with tattoos of the lord/people who think rainbow= gay  

The Jersey Shore Cast. 

People who have good enough lives but also have an "fml" type of attitude.

-This one really pisses me off. "It's raining out....fml" "I have a blister from my new shoes...fml" 

Go to Africa, starve nearly to death and feel the parasites multiplying in your body while vultures circle you overhead waiting for you to die so they can feed off over your carcass. Then, you can legitimately say, "FML"

Gold diggers/aspiring stay at home moms who take advantage of women's rights. 

Ke$ha.

$168 pee

My first court date is fast approaching. I wish I could tell you I was going to court for something cool. For something like witnessing two women kill each other over a sweater at Saks 5th avenue. Or maybe saving a box of burning kittens from a kitten hater and having to testify against him. Standing in front of a judge and addressing these hypothetical situations would be about 100X more rewarding than what I'll be addressing on May 4th; Pleading guilty on the charges of public urination and being disgusting. 

I have a very small bladder and pee about every 30 minutes. This has earned me the nickname, "Old man bladder." SO, you can understand the problem I encountered when I was forced to ride the subway for an hour from 242nd street-28th street. There were two transfers in-between and I was determined to follow my friends' advice and, "hold it in." But my bladder didn't care about my friends and it said, "fuck your friends, I have to release." As we got off at 168th street to transfer, I snuck away to a dark corner and squatted a behind a pole. I began to pee and it felt so amazing that I still don't completely regret it. I heard singing and tasted cake and saw god and it was the best 30 seconds of the night...that is until I looked down and realized I was standing heel-deep in a healthy pile of someone else's feces and dirty toilet paper. I got myself together and sprinted up towards my friends where I was rudely blocked by two large Mexican men in hoodies. One of them held something up and I stupidly assumed they were returning something to me that I had dropped. I grabbed the object from their hand and ran away. They started screaming at me I looked down to find that the object was a shiny gold NYPD badge from an undercover cop. I was told to sit down while one of them inspected my moist crime scene and the other wrote me a ticket for $168. I'm sure there were more dangerous crimes to be dealt with that night, (rape/murder/arson) but I accepted my fate.

I would plead not guilty, but I'm not a very good liar and would probably get so nervous that I'd pee right there in court and get another public urination ticket. I guess the silver lining is that the NYPD thinks my pee is valued at almost $200. Like a dog, I left my mark on the 168th street subway station. However, that pee is long gone now, evaporated up into the eery mist that overlies the terminal and into the clouds. So next time rain falls from the clouds, I hope you think of me and remember to "hold it." 

Where The Wild Things Are.

A little while back, I went to the zoo. Or, at least I think it was the zoo. The ground was sticky and dirty and covered with dark sludge from animals trotting over it all night long. Even though it was well into the winter months, the environment was humid and the air smelled like sex or something. The female animals must have been in heat. They had the most pathetic look in their eyes, almost like they would do anything to have sex with even the most undesirable of male candidates. They scoured the ground searching for sex and for something to drink and from what I could see, the animals were very thirsty. The zoo fed them a very special drink with certain nutrients in it. The animals began to compete for the drink, shoving each other out of the way and following the liquid wherever it went. I noted that after the animals drank the liquid, they became even more sexually charged.  The liquid suddenly seemed to be having adverse effects. The females became very sick and uncoordinated, spilling and vomiting fluid all over the fur they had just licked clean to attract possible mates. The males became more cocky and approached the females with vigor, thrusting their genitals against them. Oddly, the females encouraged this behavior. I quickly became disgusted and claustrophobic and although the zoo was large, I felt completely smothered by sex and drinks and overly desperate women. For the sake of my own sanity, I needed to leave the zoo immediately, and I did. 

It was only recently that I came to a shocking realization. This was not a zoo, but a club in downtown NYC. 

My experience at the club has taught me of another land. A land where women snort lines of coke and dance to shitty music by Ke$ha and Chris Brown. A land where club whores bow down to B-list celebrities who are known to normal people as, "That one guy in that one show that one time on that one station like a really long time ago in sixth grade." A land where women think they're drinking gray goose but its really rubbing alcohol that the guy in the back used to clean up his botched heroin job with. A land where cheap women wear cheap flashy dresses so that when the club lights hit them, they look like shiny presents ready to be unwrapped by unattractive rich men old enough to be be Mr. Miyagi's grandfather. A land where women are used as a space fillers in clubs that couldn't acquire enough people on their own. A land where women think that clubbing is a sport and they're the winners. But the one thing they don't think about, is the one thing they 'ought to know; Clubbing is no sport, and in no way are they winners. 

howl at the moon!

I've asked this question a few times, but no one seems to know what I'm talking about except for one other person. Do you ever feel different during the day time than you do at night? Am I a werewolf?

JUST LIKE A WEREWOLF

I AM FINE IN THE DAY

THEN THE SUN GOES DOWN

AND MY ENDS START TO FRAY

my palms start to itch

sanity is wearing thinner

fangs sprout out my gums     

all this happens before dinner

I DON'T MIND BEING JEKYLL

BUT IT'S HARD TO BE THE HYDE

CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM OF THE SKY

EVILS GROW IN THE NIGHTTIME

darkness falls above my head

and down goes the sun

i should expect this every night

the transformation has begun

NINE-O-CLOCK AND FULL OF FUR

MY GROWL'S GROAN AND DRONE

MY TEETH ARE SHARP AND SHINED

I'M READY TO DESTROY MY OWN

amazingly i'm the only one

to notice when i'm different

amazingly no one sees my fangs

their blindness is really quite sufficient

YOU'LL SEE 'DAY ME' AND 'NIGHT ME'

BUT YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH IS WHICH

WATCH WHEN THE MOON BEGINS TO RISE

AND YOU JUST MIGHT SEE ME START TO TWITCH.

Old Man Bucket List

Everybody has a group of celebrities they hope to to have sex with. Over time, I began to realize that almost all of my celebrity fantasy crushes were older than Regis Philbin. I never meant to accumulate so may old guys on my fantasy list. It was like being in the mall for a long time and realizing that you had unintentionally bought only black tops, it just sort of happened. I'd easily pass up a ryan Reynolds and james franco threesome to have lunch with some of my favorite elderly actors.

 Here goes the bucket list:

Steve Buscemi 

John Cusack 

Will Ferrell 

Jack Nicholson 

Gene Wilder 

Philip Seymour Hoffman 

Alec Baldwin 

Christopher Walkin 

Bill Murray

Respect your elders. 

Riddle Me This.

It's clear by now that I hate a lot of things. In the making of me, my wires must have gotten crossed. Like a radio that got caught in the rain, I am damaged goods. When you turn the dial to adjust the volume, the channel changes. Likewise, every time I find myself angry or hating something, I begin to get this twisted happy feeling. I love to hate. Some people would say that I live this way because I am insecure, but I just consider it to be good judgement. I'm not out there hating black people or charities. I'm hating racism, child pageants, Pauly D and bitches who think they run NYC because that go to a club that Chingy once pissed in front of. 

Here's one more thing to add onto the list of things I hate: Stupid questions people ask in class.

Examples of questions we've all heard people ask.

Q: Do we need to use 12 point font?

Q: Does my paper need to be double spaced?

Q: Is it okay to use a blue pen on the test?

Q: Do I need a #2 pencil for the scantron test sheet?

Q: Does Detroit have a lot of money? (I heard this gem of a question today)

Q: Do you want my 11 page essay stapled?

Q: I won't be here for a week. Will I miss anything?

Q: What country is Rome in?  

Other dumb things:

1) I HATE people who compulsively correct the teacher. For example, say you have class every Wednesday and the teacher accidentally says, "See you kids next Thursday." Suddenly, the class erupts into a state of panic and yells at the teacher as if she's raping and pillaging a village of nuns. "WHAT?! WE DONT HAVE CLASS THURSDAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??"

2) I HATE the people who text all of class. 90% of the people you're sending texts to are probably less than a mile away from you. What's even more annoying is that the texter often gets offended when the teacher asks them to put away their cell phone. I'm sure your shitty friend can wait until the end of class to learn that Jimmy never called you back after taking your virginity.

3) I HATE when students don't know how to correct other students quizzes. Sometimes a teacher will give out a quiz and then have the students switch papers to grade them. "UM PROFESSOR, THERE'S A DOODLE ON THE SIDE OF KELLY'S PAPER, SHOULD I MARK OFF POINTS? ALSO, IF YOU SQUINT, HER COMMA LOOKS LIKE A PERIOD. HALF CREDIT?"

It's really nothing short of a miracle that these riddlers have made it past the 7th grade without being beaten to death by the poor teachers who have to answer their questions. "Yes kelly, 12 point font will be just fine."

Signs Of A Dirty Food Thief

Why is it that people automatically assume you are willing to share your food with them? These compulsive food thieves may seem like a random assortment of people, but do not be fooled. These people are a type. They are a despicable breed of human. These people are nothing but sheltered and educated bums, begging like stray dogs for your food scraps. More often than not, food thieves have the following traits: 

1) They are nasty chewers. They roll their tongues around their mouths as if they have no control of the muscle. The tongue hits the lips and the roof of the mouth and creates a horrible sticky smacking sound. It sounds like a baby eating mashed up peas or like an old lady giving a blow-job before she puts her dentures in. This noise is especially annoying when the food they're chewing is yours. 

2) They are "healthy" people. They work out and shop at Whole Foods and eat sprouts and grains. They pretend they're a part of the nomadic hunter-gatherer society. Needless to say, they're the berry picking gatherers. They will laugh at the large portions and fatty foods that fill your lunch tray. They are the type to go out to dinner, talk about how hungry they are and then order a house salad with balsamic dressing and a water with lemon. The thief, unsatisfied with their own meal will then resort to other peoples food to get their fix. Right before your seething eyes, their house salad suddenly includes your chicken parm and your friends slice of pizza. 

3) They are self-concious people. The food addict will constantly monitor their plate, making sure they don't fill it with too much food. They won't go up for seconds unless a friend goes with them because that would be "embarrassing" and would make them look "fat." They will interrupt your meal to compulsively ask you if there's food in their teeth.

4) They are jealous people. The beggar does not want to see you exercise or eat healthy. They see this as a threat. Also, if you begin to eat healthy, they won't have the option of stealing your fatty foods, (their secret guilty pleasure.) 

What to look for: As soon as the beggar smells food, they will drift into your room. They will pretend they want to make conversation with you and enjoy your company, but this is all part of a plan. They will eye your food cautiously in a downward peeping motion and say, 'Ohhh, you got food? I had no idea you were getting food. That looks soooo good. I'm just gonna grab a bite." As soon as the beggar gets their fill, they will exit as swiftly as they entered. 

Their are some ways to help this problem. You can cough/sneeze on your food or you can touch it with your bare hands and then casually mention how you forgot to wash them after going to the bathroom.

thieves, please do away with your false sense of pride and your attempts to eat a balanced diet. Order what you want and eat your own food. This will help you to look less like an asshole.

only eat someones food if:

1) Someone offers it to you. (be sure to differentiate between someone who gives you an obligatory offer and someone who actually wants you to have their food)

2) They're about to throw it out. 

following these rules will increase your life span since less people will want to kill you.