Every action has an equal and opposite (in)action.

December 25th 1998, I boycotted Christmas because I didn't want to wake up for presents as early as the rest of my family. My mom said I was always grumpy as a kid. As an 8 year old, I would glare at my brother over a bowl of Captain Crunch every morning before going to school wondering what he was so damn happy about. I think my pessimism was something my parents thought of as a phase. "It'll pass" was muttered a lot. Time would only prove them wrong. Phases don't last nineteen years. Any odd behavior lasting more than a year or two should stop being referred to by naive parents as "a phase" and start being referred to by its actual term, "a lifestyle." Bart and Chris Turek were just going to have to live with the fact that their daughter was...kind of an asshole..and liked to argue about things even when she didn't have all the facts..and had a big mouth...and a short fuse..and a peculiar fetish for fake plastic food. But moreover, they had to accept my pet peeves. They had to know that the ratio in my head comparing the things I hated versus the things I didn't was insanely uneven and would result in endless bitching, complaining and overall lack of action taken.

So while I'm on the subject, 
I could really do without some things. 

1) Girls over the age of 8 referring to hanging out as "playing." OMG LETS PLAYYY! PLAY DATE SOON. It's clear to everyone that there won't be much playing going on. Playing is reserved for things like hide and seek, tag and easy bake ovens. Probably not a word that can be used to descibe the things you'll actually be doing such as gossiping, watching t.v and going to crossgates. It sounds creepy and wrong and makes me think that Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" should be sitting in to make sure no one gets molested.
2) Girls who replace the TH sound with an F sound. I'm not sure when it became cool or desirable to sound like you have a speech impediment, but its a trend I'm most likely not going to follow. COME PLAY WIFFF ME SOON! OH! AND HAPPY BIRFFDAYY!

3) When people find out that you haven't eaten, seen, heard, smelt or touched something that they have and say "OH YOU HAVEN'T LIVED" or "WHAT. ARE YOU KIDDING? WERE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE." Usually if you're lucky enough, they'll follow through with that second one. I haven't had pizza from Long Island, watched the Jersey Shore, eaten an eclair or seen the Godfather but somehow by the grace of god, I am still alive.
4) When you're in a group project and you tell the group the right answer to a question but no one acknowledges you because they don't think you're smart enough to contribute. They later find out that you were right but still.. no acknowledgement.
5) People who post pictures of themselves from photobooth AND proceed to talk about how ugly they look. "No make-up, sweatpants, just woke up...ugh. I look like shit" If you actually thought you looked like shit, you would erase the picture, feel bad about yourself and then take a few more to see if it's even possible for you to look any better. Or you can do what most girls do, which is... keep it, upload it to facebook, tag themselves, make it their profile picture and pray to receive the compliments they were fishing for.
6) My mom talking on her cell phone. I understand that people born in the 60's didn't grow up with cell phones, but you'd think after almost ten years of having one, my mom would stop talking into the phone as if everyone she knew was almost or completely deaf.
7) The morning after I sleep over at my dads apartment. Like clockwork, he gets up at 5am every morning, puts on his cowboy boots and paces the hardwood floors. Sometimes he'll jingle keys, turn on Rambo at full volume and talk to me about the legend that is Sylvester Stalone.
8) hugging people

9) Once again, the childish speech impediment. LOVESSSS YOU/IT/HIM/HER/THEM. Perhaps I'm being to harsh. Maybe these girls had suffered some tragedy as a kid that forced them back into a state of childlike dependency, making them to talk like babies and set up play dates at the age of NINETEEN. It seems more likely that these girls are just suffering from being idiots.  
10) a day where nothing goes right. Drop everything. spill anything. hit your head on all surfaces. bang your elbow into every door. remember nothing that you needed to.
11) Dumb experts. People who think they know everything but really don't. I had a boy who works under the hoods of cars all day tell me that taking plan B was the same thing as having an abortion. As tempting as it was to take this medical advice about my uterus from a non-girl non-doctor, I somehow resisted to take this information seriously. 
12) Skim milk. Might as well be water. I like my milk thick and fatty and straight from the udder.