Blame it on the alcohol

Girls take a lot of shit for getting drunk. Whether it's the ugly scrunched up war-heads face we make post-shot, or the odd things we do after drinking, girls are faced with opposition from men, parents and innocent bystanders.
When a guy gets drunk, usually 1 of 3 things happen. 
1) He will get angry for no reason and punch something/someone. 
2) He will laugh and be merry and play games and have sex.
3) Nothing. He will be wasted but still seem sober. Amazing.
When women get drunk, they usually display a more complex set of emotions, dance moves and bodily fluids. 
 
Similar to the way that drug tests expose the narcotics in a persons system, alcohol is a test that can be used to expose the many personalities hiding in a woman. 
A series of unfortunate and embarrassing events have plagued my amateur weekend drinking career since it began in 10th grade. 
As a drunken gender, we are a dice tumbling off the edge of a table and onto the floor. We spin before landing and people gather around to see which face will appear 

Faces of the dice (many of my own faces)
You roll #1 and land on: The Sex Savage   
Pictures of dad, grandma and jesus christ are turned to face the wall as you participate in unspeakable acts of sluttiness. This girl is drunk and on the prowl. She may dry hump you against a wall in a room full of people. She may pop out of the shower curtain naked while you're peeing. This is one side of a girl that no blood relative should know exists. 
You roll #2 and land on: The Cryer. 
There's only one thing that can make a girl cry harder than The Notebook: too many drinks. For no apparent reason, the girl starts to feel overwhelmed and begins to think that the appropriate response to breaking her flip flop is to weep. She'll warrant lots of sympathy and back pats from other drunk girls who are also crying over broken thong sandals. 
You roll #3 and land on: The Over-Sharer 
One to many drinks and everyone at the party becomes this girls extremely under-payed therapist. She will use poor transitional methods to turn any conversation around till it becomes about her and all the horrible things that have ever happened to her. Things will get intense and there will be no memory left untouched. 
You roll #4 and land on: The Mohammad Ali 
Usually induced by tequila shots, this girl becomes a fighter. Depending on how much she's drank, she may just try to fight any girl, guy, bum, cop, hells angel or grandparent who she swears gave her a dirty look.

You roll #5 and land on: The memory bank 
One of the most annoying sides of a girl. She may appear to have a high-functioning form of autism which allows her to recall the date and time of anything you have ever done wrong. She drunkenly and confidently tells you that it really wasn't fucking cool of you to not text her back with plans that one saturday two months ago. The vicim, unprepared for this untimely ambush of useless information, will be left defenseless. 

You roll #6 and land on: The prized pig
You've won. She's happy and silly and fun and above all she's great at drinking games. She's a real social butterfly. 
Just kidding. No such girl exists.  
#6 is the most common side that appears when a girl gets drunk, "The sloppy one."
An hour after she loudly declares herself  "the life of the party" she will throw up into her hands, pee her pants, cry, tell her best friend to go fuck herself and then pass out naked next to the token creepy party guy who graduated 3 years ago but still talks to girls in high school. 


This rolling of dice and game of charades we play with only ourselves probably won't stop us from getting drunk. The dice will continue to crash and burn into the floor. In the end we will be the losers, because everyone knows that the house always wins. But because the gamble of rolling the dice and hoping the whole time it'll land on the right number is where the real fun was the whole time, we won't ever feel as bad as we should