Can You Guess The Breed?

An interesting breed of human has emerged. Though their origin is not yet confirmed, social scientists believe the breed came from an assortment of highly taxed suburbs. Social observation has shown that the humans are extremely primative and lacking in speech development. 

Chest bumps, high fives, grunts and loud bursts of unnecessary laughter seem to be their only means of communicating. Body language experts are being brought in to try and assign meaning to these apparently meaningless behaviors. 

Although national security has deemed the breed too undeveloped to pose any real danger, they are urging citizens to beware of their weapons. Doctors originally assumed that the specimens were born with sticks attached to their hands, but further research has disproved this theory. Doctors discovered that the breed voluntarily carries around large sticks with small butterfly nets attached to the ends. Interestingly, observers have yet to see them do anything except walk around with the stick and occasionally deep-throat it. 

They appear only to have 2 skills: They can throw a small ball with some accuracy and manufacture their own Roofalin. The breeds minimal skill level has done nothing to hurt their self-esteem. Although these stick carriers appear primitive, hunch-backed and monkey-like, they have insane amounts of confidence and believe all women are attracted to them. It has been observed that if denied by a woman, they will resort to date-rape and tea-bagging. After such sexual victories, the breed high fives their sticks and makes gay jokes. Their odd treatment of women, constant gay bashing and contradictory homoerotic behavior led psychologists to a conclusion: This is an all gay breed.  

Until further research has been conducted, Professionals are urging citizens to stay away from the breed. Watch for large packs of men carrying sticks, sporting tiny boners and screaming FAGGOT. To avoid the breed, stay away from freshly mowed fields and frat parties. 

Scientists predict that the new breed will eventually beat each other to death with their sticks. Extinction is near and people are looking forward to it. For now, professionals are referring to the temporary breed as case #1002398374856 or, "The Lax Bros."

One More Minute.

If it takes you an hour to get ready for your boyfriend, it's taking him 55 minutes less than that for him to get ready for you. From curling your eyelashes to getting rid of your secret mustache, girls seem to be stuck in a constant state of "getting ready." But what are we getting ready for? Women in denial would say that to look good is to feel good even if no one's watching. Logical people would argue that we do all this 'getting ready' stuff for the benefit of everyone but ourselves. We do it for people. But more specifically than just people, we do it for men. And even more specific than men, we do it to create and sustain their boners. 
So what exactly do women do to get ready for men 

and what exactly do men do to get ready for women? 

Showering

Women- There was a time when I shaved everything except my eyebrows. Any non-albino woman can empathize with me on this hairy situation. Men would be horrified to see what women shave and the contorting positions that allow them to do so.
Men- Jerks off after shampooing and forgets to wash anything else. He may or may not shave his face. 

Moisturizing 

Women- Puts lotion on every body part even though men are only interested in touching a few of them, (a couple of which should not be moisturized.)

Men- Nothing.

Nails

Women- Clip, file, polish and do whatever it takes to make toenails attractive.

Men- Will trim if completely necessary. Nails will be clipped into jagged points resembling tiny weapons.

Hair

Women- Untangle blowdryer and straightener from 17 cords belonging to appliances you don't use. Blow hot air at scalp while standing naked in a steamy bathroom that's now reached 110 degrees because of your incredibly long shower. Fuse blows. Need to kill someone. Finish blowdrying hair once the fuse is fixed and end up looking like you just survived the electric chair. Plug in straightener to calm down the craziness and kill hair in the process by cramming it into a 450 degree steel trap. Finally, you start to look human. 

Men- Rub hand or towel over head 4 times. Hair looks fine. 

Make-up

Women- Use the following to create your everyday mask: foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, eye-shadow, eye-liner, mascara, eyelash curler, eye-brow filler, lip gloss from 6th grade and for the sluttier ones, glitter. 

Men- Nothing.

Clothes

Women- If you're anything like me, you're still running from room to room like a naked James Bond trying to dodge anyone in your house who shouldn't see you naked. Try on 12 outfits. Hate all of them. Pick the one you hate the least and then search for slutty underwear. Make sure the bra is padded enough to add 2 cup sizes. NOTE: Upon removing your bra, he will be extremely disappointed to watch your 2 D's deflate to 1 large A-cup and 1 funny looking B.

Men- Walk around room until they find a random shirt to match with a random pair of pants. Specifically pick out underwear with a hole in them.  

Finishing up

Women- Spray perfume and then twirl around in the mist. Look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if your shirt makes you look fat. Change outfits. Look at yourself again before grabbing a purse containing lip gloss, phone, birth control and plan B. 

Men- Possibly spray cologne. Pat pants pockets to make sure they have their phone, keys, condoms and wallet. Somehow this pat is enough to tell them everything.

The women of the world still stuck in the bathroom even after their date has arrived have to wonder if the minimal amount of time a man takes to get ready is symbolic of their minimal interest in her. And although I don't believe there is a correlation between the time it takes a boy to get ready and the amount he likes you, the hole in the underwear keeps my mind in a constant state of wonderment.